Grandma insists on calling herself mom of 5-month-old granddaughter, flips out when her daughter-in-law asks her to stop: 'I tried to de-escalate the situation, but she rolled her eyes'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
May 9, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

When you get married, in-law relationships are notoriously tricky to get right. You have to acclimatize to traditions and dynamics that may be totally different to what you grew up with, all while maintaining your own appropriate boundaries and trying not to lose your sanity. There is a lot to consider, and disagreements are almost an inevitability on this journey.

Things can become even more complicated when couples have kids. Bringing grandchildren into the equation can make already difficult in-laws worse and even make normal ones become much more of a handful. It is the last thing that anybody who is dealing with the trials of parenting needs, but it can happen nonetheless. It is no surprise that many find that they have less patience for disagreements with their partner's family when they have the needs of their children to attend to. Unfortunately, this can make awkward situations become even worse.

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    Cheezburger Image 10503387136
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • One mom decided that enough was enough when her mother-in-law began referring to herself as the “mum” of her 5-month-old daughter one Christmas. She took her aside and asked if she would apologize for her behavior, which sparked an aggressive outburst from the grandmother that took some time to de-escalate.

    Years after the incident, it came up in conversation between the woman's husband and his mom. She reiterated that she felt that she had nothing to apologize for, and it made the younger mom wonder if she had been in the wrong.

     

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    AITA for asking my MIL not to refer to herself as “mum” to my daughter and for how I handled the fallout?

    For context, my daughter was 5 months old during her first Christmas. My husband and I hosted his parents & sister (my in-laws) at our home for the day. Everything was going well until, during Christmas dinner, my MIL referred to herself as "mum" when talking to my daughter. No one said anything at the time, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't want to cause a scene, so I waited until after I'd put my daughter down for a nap to speak to my MIL privately.
    via rosegoldandtea
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    I calmly told her that what she said was inappropriate and that I would appreciate an apology. She pretended not to know what I was talking about, lied to me, then gave a very passive-aggressive, "Well, I guess I'm sorry then." I thanked her (even though it was clearly not sincere) and asked for five minutes to calm down so we could move on with the day.
    via rosegoldandtea
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    Instead, she went into the bathroom, then came out storming around the house shouting and swearing at me, stepping towards me and putting her finger in my face, waking up my FIL and yelling that they were leaving. She also shouted that she did nothing wrong calling herself mum to my daughter bc she was a "proud f****** mother". She accused me of being "too protective" and said that when I have a second child, I "won't care about them." (For context me and my husband are both the youngest in the
    via rosegoldandtea
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    I tried to de-escalate the situation, even tried to have a calm conversation, but she rolled her eyes, scoffed, and mocked me. I only raised my voice to say "don't you dare swear at me" and to call out how r de and immature she was being when she was rolling her eyes and throwing her hands around while her back was turned to me mid-conversation. No one in the family seemed to acknowledge how inappropriate her behavior was. My SIL said she didn't think there was anything wrong with MIL calling he
    via rosegoldandtea
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    That was almost three years ago. When it came up between my husband and my MIL recently she stated that she had absolutely nothing to apologise for. I've never received an apology from anyone, and I was told that my SIL is still “haunted” by my actions that day. So-AITA for addressing the "mum" comment, asking for an apology, and how I handled everything that followed?
    via rosegoldandtea
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    Cheezburger Image 10503387648
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    People mostly sided against the mother-in-law, although some had their doubts.

    Fast-Advance-9083 She is 100% the a_h_le and you should bar this ab ser from seeing your children. Period. I know firsthand how bad this type of ab se can be, and how confusing because of the subtleties, and I regret so much that I second guessed myself and let it go on for years. Do not accept lies! She is not your child's mother! Don't fall into her side bulls. Don't accept fake apologies. State clearly that you are your childrens' mother, that she has no right to ever tell the children that s
    via Fast-Advance-9083
  • 09
    extinct_diplodocus NTA. Your child has only one mother: you. MIL is not mum; she's grandmum. She should not be confusing your child. When faced with this, she carried on like a crazy woman. Personally, I think you went too far trying to placate her. She crossed a very reasonable boundary and there should have been consequences. She should have been given a time out until she can and will do better. You did have a tactical error, though. You should have talked to your husband and let him handle h
    via extinct_diplodocus
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    pleasenotnowthanks Not at all, she raised her voice because I'm sure no one has ever called her out on her BS! I would take it one step more diabolical and tell her "if this is how you treat me in my own home, I'm concerned about letting you be around my children without me present" not sure if she ever asks to watch your child but I would draw the boundary and basically say that it scared you the way she acted and it will take a while for you to rebuild the trust. Let her work for your love!!
    via pleasenotnowthanks
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    NTA. FizzyLemonPaper Where is your husband in all this? If my MIL did this to me in my own home, she would never step over the threshold again.
    via FizzyLemonPaper
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    TopAd7154 She knows exactly what she was doing and she's annoyed she got called out. Time to go NC.
    via TopAd7154
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    DriftingLily9 100% NTA MIL on the other hand couldn't be more TAH if she tried. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how you handled that situation. You calmly told her you didn't want her to do that and she reacted by throwing a temper tantrum. She's a grown a woman, and went around the house yelling and screaming, rolling her eyes, throwing her hands about like a child because you wouldn't let her refer to herself as mum. The SIL being "haunted" by your actions, which there are none to spea
    via DriftingLily9
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    slendermanismydad and I was told that my SIL is still "haunted" by my actions that day. Who told you that? Honestly, you married in an a family. Please spare your poor kids. NTA. h le
    via slendermanismydad
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    Darkness-fading NTA you handled it way better than me. My mother did this to my son when he was little. I told her she was the grandmother not the mother. She tried to act like I was over reacting. I'm one of those people that feel if I'm going to be blamed for it anyways I might as well... So I flew off the handle and told her she could be grandma or she could be gone for good. She never did it again.
    via Darkness-fading
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    NalaIDGAF20 NTA. The fact that your MIL keeps referring to herself as your baby's mum is incredibly creepy. The way she went off the rails and escalated things after you calmly and politely tried to set boundaries is alarming. I can only hope that your husband was properly disturbed and disgusted by her behavior as well. He should have stood up for you that day. It might be best to put some distance between your family and your in-laws and go low contact unless they can start respecting boundari
    via NalaIDGAF20
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    geefrancesevans "you are not my child's mother, and your behavior that day was quite frankly, absolutely absurd. You 100 percent owe us an apology." Personally I'd have cut that narc off the minute she left your house at the time, but that's just me.
    via geefrancesevans
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    WHOA_ ESH - while I understand why you're upset about the "mum" thing, I think you could have handled the situation much better. Instead of "demanding" an apology, you could have let her know that it bothered you and asked her not to do it anymore. You know, like civilized people.
    via WHOA____
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    Careful_Mistake7579 "Demanding" an apology for that? You could have kindly asked her not to say that. You did overreact. It sounds like she has to walk on eggshells around you under your constant scrutiny. Yes, she lost it and freaked out but she probably feels attacked and humiliated by you and your over the top animosity.
    via Careful_Mistake7579
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    eneleh-io I don't understand why you needed an apology. If it were me, I would only have corrected immediatly, "you meant to say "grand ma, I'm the mum to my daughter" as if she had made a mistake.
    via eneleh-io
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    Fun-Apricot-804 NTA. I have the exact same MIL who openly admitted to not seeing the problem if we were both called mummy. I mean it's pretty simple- they're not the mom so isn't it obvious you can't be called that? She was mad you stomped down her idea of pretending she was, and I bet overreacting so her pandering family members would tell you to just let her do it was part of her plan.
    via Fun-Apricot-804
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    NTA. Gnarly_314 I think I would have immediately said, "I meant to ask, do you prefer to be called Grandma, Granny, or something else?" This would have been seen as an innocent question. Your MIL reaction was absolutely nuts. It may have been a slip of the tongue, but her ranting and raging must have been alarming and threatening. It is difficult to reason with someone acting so irrationally.
    via Gnarly_314
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    15021993 ΝΤΑ How's the situation now? I remember my mom also saying that's she's „mummy" to her first grandkid. We just said,,nah you're grandma, not mummy", and that was it. No apology needed, no drama. I think an apology is a bit much for that scenario - the apology is needed for the escalation afterwards. She seems like she gets her way every time and everyone is fine with that except you. This is an exhausting family ngl
    via 15021993
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    Spa Towner ESH Calling herself 'mum' to your daughter is a bit weird and I could see why you might want to nip that in the bud. I don't see why you needed her to apologise for it though.
    via SpaTowner
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    Crispydragonrider I think MIL should apologise for her reaction to the conversation OP had with her. The yelling, screaming and getting in OP's face are not acceptable and OP is owed an apology.
    via Crispydragonrider
  • 26
    tomhermans NTA. All of our grandparents could choose the name with which our children would address them. Mama is the one for the mother here in Dutch, so when one of our grandparents came up with something similar sounding we asked her for something else. Non-issue for everyone involved further. NTA, she is.
    via tomhermans
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    NTA AvelAnsch Good for you!! These kind of people do this because nobody ever calls them out about it. MIL is a monster and she should be begging you to let her back into her grandkid's life, not doubling down on her mental illness
    via AvelAnsch

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